I wrote these stories, just for fun:
M$prise:
Kirk: Scotty! We need those shields now!
Scotty: I'm sorry captain. The shields.ebus (billy decided we'd like four letters) is
improperly configured. I've tried switching to DOS (yep, it's still there) but I keep
getting an error message that we've violated system integrity.
Kirk: Well do something damnit!
Scotty: I'm trying sir, but I just can't get throught to tech support (even the miracle
worker needs to call in)
Kirk: Spock! any suggestions?
Spock: Interesting. Windows just decided that our main anti-matter pods no longer
need to be magnetically sealed. Apparently plug 'n play has lost track of the holding
clamps. We have about thirty seconds till destruction.
Kirk: Scotty!!!
Scotty: Sorry, captain. The system is completely locked up. Apparently pre-emptive
multi-tasking doesn't work when redirecting power to the weapons systems.
Boom! The End
--
Appleprise:
Kirk: Scotty! How are the new phasers holding up?
Scotty: Excellent. We hooked them up, and within two minutes the ships computer had
them programed for all known firing combinations.
Kirk: Good work, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Well, I did have a little help from the OS.
Spock: Captain. We are linked up to the other ships computer.
Kirk: Amazing. I thought headquarters had reported that communication with the aliens
was impossible.
Spock: Well, I established a subspace link to their computer, and appletalk took care of the rest.
Kirk: Well done, well, what do they have to say?
Spock: Well, they were going to shoot us, but since we were able to talk to them, they
decided we probably weren't enemies after all.
They all lived happily ever after
--
In response,
Axel Steiningerforwarded me this creative piece of writing, which he found somewhere on
the Web (thanks to the guy who wrote it, if you see this, please let us know
who you are)
Picard:
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempt at finding a
weakness in the Borg ? And Mr. Data, have you beenable to access their
command pathways ?"
Geordi:
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archieves on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled.
"What the hell is 'Microsoft' ?"
Data turns to answer.
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root
command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate."
Picard:
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity ?"
Data:
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as 'Update'. The use of resources increases
axponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."
Picard:
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
. 15 Minutes later ...
Data:
"Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources.
However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected
'upgrade'."
Geordi:
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate
for their increase."
Picard:
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something
we have missed."
Data:
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards."
Riker:
"Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F..."
Geordi, excited:
"Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard:
"Data, what do your scanners show ?"
Data, studying displays:
"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module called
'Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
Picard:
"Let's wait how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. Two hours pass ...
Riker:
"Geordi, what is the status of the Borg ?"
Geordi:
"As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon
to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
Fun-pack'."
Picard:
"How much time will that buy us ?"
Data:
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
Geordi:
"Captain, another vessel has entered the sector."
Picard:
"Identify."
Data:
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo ..."
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS
TO COMPLY."
Data:
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
Picard:
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft !"
Riker:
"My God, captain ! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
Borg ship - with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"
Data:
"I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits."
Riker and Picard, together - horrified
"Lawyers !!!!"
Geordi:
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data:
"True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker:
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers."
Data:
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often
proves fatal."
Riker:
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard:
"Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg
don't deserve such a gruesome death !"
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