Pete's Log: life
Entry #687, (Life in General)(posted when I was 22 years old.)
ND women's soccer loses in semifinals to unc. Too bad, really, they were doing so well this year.
But in times of sadness such as this, we can meditate on life and maybe learn something from it all.
This week I've learned a lot about myself. I think. I hope. If not, there's been a lot of grief for nothing. This log entry is really quite long. It may give insight into what Pete is all about. And it may be rather boring.
I'm really unsure of the role of this log in my life. Sometimes I think I should use it only to record technical stuff, and sometimes I think I should record every single last thought I have. I've not found a balance I like. But I certainly regret the "fuck you all" log entry of last wednesday. It demonstrates a clear problem with the internet: by removing the human contact, it makes it much easier to say stupid things. People say things online they would never think of saying in real life. And I quickly learned, long ago, to not send any kind of emotional messages without thinking at least three times. So frequently I'll suspend a message in pine and then end up cancelling it because sending it would be wrong. But last wednesday I had three things going against me: I was sleep deprived, I was depressed, and I was drunk. And the part of me that wanted to write that log entry knew the rational part of me would not want it sent out to subscribers, and thus typed it in and hit "add entry" with amazing speed. And I immediately regretted it and panicked and unsubscribed everyone. But that log entry led to a very surreal week. I went for 48 hours where I ate only a bag of m&m's and a few marshmallows. I did a lot of car research. And I did a lot of thinking.
I think life is finally telling me I'm a grownup. It's scary. All of a sudden I am on the verge of buying a car, and it hit me that I'm independent and need to take responsibility for my actions. It's really scary. As much as I claim I want to go out and see the world, I really want to just live inside a protected little bubble. I want to see the happy parts of the world.
I'm also encountering various other problems with life. I've not accomplished much of what I wanted to this semester. I'm dealing with social situations my brain is ill-equipped to handle.
And then depression hits. So there's a definite history of depression in my family, and I've been told several times by my concerned parents that if I ever did end up feeling depression, that I should not hesitate to seek help, since getting help earlier is better than later. And I acknowledge that genetics are stacked against me here. But on the other hand, the concept that genetics can predetermine my happiness seems wrong to me, and admitting to depression has always seemed like a sign of weakness. So I suffered through some bad depression in high school, and college did not start out any better. But then I made the discovery that happiness is a choice that I actively have to make. And so by choosing to be happy I could battle whatever stupid chemistry was at work in my head. So for the most part, the latter years of my college experience went well. Periodically depression would still sneak up on me but it would only take me a day or two to beat it away. But an overwhelming amount of stuff led to me going into a severe slump last wednesday night:
The realization I've grown up. The fact that I had returned SLC punk to blockbuster (ok, not really, but it was still sad). Realization the semester was about to end. Realization that in a few more months another batch of friends is going to graduate and leave. Many other things like that just overwhelmed me. And having not slept much and being in quiet drunk mode (a dangerous, dangerous thing. I should not be allowed to be quiet when I'm drunk, it always leads to unhappiness) I allowed myself to sink into a major bit of depression. And that led to an interesting log entry followed by an interesting several days. And now it's after 5 am and I've decided to write all this down so that I can have a constant reminder of the choice I need to make: be happy!
It seems that would be the easy choice. But it turns out feeling sorry for myself is a really easy alternative. And feeling sorry for myself never helps me, but it's so easy to do. I need to balance my goals for the future with my desires for the present. I keep letting these vague longterm goals put doubts on my decisions. I need to keep the long term in mind, but I really just need to enjoy the present, because it turns out that that's really all I have. I don't have the future, there's no guarantee it'll be there. But I have now. And all I want to do is enjoy now.
I don't know why I make all this stuff public. I've never really admitted to any of it before. But I want a strong reminder in my life that every day I need to wake up and choose to be happy. It's the kind of mantra I need tattooed on my retina so I can always see it. But that doesn't explain making it public. I don't really want people to feel concern for me... But after the "fuck you all" entry I did have several people ask if I was ok or what the deal was. So I guess what I want to do is offer an explanation of what the deal was. And to apologize for having made that entry. And to state that so long as I remember to choose happiness, I'll be ok.