Pete's Log: catholicism
Entry #968, (Spirituality)(posted when I was 22 years old.)
I think there is a necessary disclaimer to this log entry: I was born a hypocrite, and I will die a hypocrite. Please take that into consideration as you read this (and, in general, anything else I write or say). Onwards.
I did not enjoy the Easter Vigil at the Basilica this year. I'll admit that in part this is due to my short attention span. But there's more to it than that. I did go to the Vigial at the Basilica my sophomore and junior years, and wasn't nearly as bothered as I was today. The first problem is that I've never liked mass at the Basilica. First, the Basilica never impressed me the way I've seen it impress some of my peers. I grew up in Europe... that's what churches look like. But my real problem is that you're there, surrounded by people dressed in "good" clothing, worshipping before a shrine that is (or at least seems to be) made of gold. Something about the whole affair seems very wrong to me. I'm a much bigger fan of informal masses with smaller congregations.
Then the first reading. Genesis, Chapter 1. I guess this makes me unorthodox, but I find it an insult to my intelligence to be expected to sit through this reading and believe it. Genesis 1:7-8 says "God made the dome, and it separated the water above the dome from the water below it. God called the dome 'the sky.' evening came, and morning followed -- the second day." Seriously, I know about the whole idea that we're not supposed to literally believe this, it's symbolic of God's creation of the world. I've heard plenty of talk about how I should not take it literally. I don't care. It's the creation myth of a people long ago who lacked the scientific tools to figure out any better explanation for their existence. How is there any better symbolism in this story than there is in simply saying "God created the world. Yay!" There's plenty of good symbolism in the creation myths of other ancient cultures, yet I'm not expected to sit through those. And this wouldn't even bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that I spent nearly four hours in the basilica yesterday. It's the fact that I feel the Church was wasting my time instead of somehow teaching me a valuable lesson or helping me feel the presence of God or helping me better understand the miracle of Easter. Forgive me, God, if it really was your will that I sit through the first chapter of Genesis, but I honestly can't believe that it was.
Since I had a lot of time during the Vigil, and since the Vigil did a good job of highlighting the parts of Catholicism I don't believe in, I spent a lot of time thinking about my faith. I'll detail some of my thoughts. I doubt they'll be too interesting to anyone, since they're the stupid products of a silly mind, but I would like to have them on hand to look back on in the future.
I was raised Catholic. I was raised very Catholic. My Mom comes from a Catholic family. Of the seven children her parents had, six of them went either to Notre Dame or Saint Mary's. My Dad is from Belgium, which is, I think 90% or so Catholic. Until we moved to the US, my Dad was working for Aid to the Church in Need, an international Catholic relief organization. In fact, he was their financial director, and thus had even met Pope John Paul II on several occasions. I became an altar server immediately after my first communion, and remained one until we moved out of Germany. In Germany I was also involved in various Charity projects, most sponsored by Catholic organizations. I was very Catholic.
Then came our move to the US and high school. Though I continued to go to church regularly, I think I really felt agnostic for most of high school. I never felt atheistic, I felt that atheism was as much a belief system as any other religion. The only belief system that makes logical sense is agnosticism. I think I wanted to believe in God, but Christianity quit making sense, I began to realize how self-contradictory much of the Bible was. Since then, I still refuse to accept the Old Testament as "the word of God" or any such nonsense. To me the Old Testament is nothing more than the religious text of a religion I do not believe in. However, there are some parts of the Old Testament I like, like the book of Ecclesiastes, or some of the psalms. Those I treat as "Ancient Words of Wisdom" more than anything else. I also pretty much tossed out the whole Revelation thing.
Somehow I managed to avoid getting confirmed. I'm not sure how I pulled that off. I think it's partly due to the fact that I skipped a grade during high school. It was not an intentional act of rebellion, I would have gone through with it if asked to, but somehow I came out of high school unconfirmed. And now I'm kind of happy that I'm not confirmed. I'm catholic, I've been baptised, been communionized, and so on, but I've never had to come out and say I believe everything they say I should.
I don't know when I started believing in God again, but I did. I don't know why either. It just feels right. I feel a presence, and there have been events in my life that lead me to this belief. But it is a belief. I will never claim God's existence to be absolute fact. I claim God's existence as my personal belief.
I'm still not sure what the rest of my beliefs really are. I believe in God. That's about all I can say for certain. I'm not sure why I still claim to be Catholic. I have not seen an adequate solution to the problem of evil, so I can't believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. God may be two of the three, but not all of them. But I don't claim to know anything about God. I just personally can't believe that God is all of the above. So already, we've only covered one third of the trinity, and I think I'm already being blasphemous. So let's move on: Christianity. I guess I'm kind of Christian. I like Jesus. There are lots of lessons in the New Testament that I find to be worthwhile. I wish people would listen to them. There's a great song by REM on their "New Adventures in Hi-Fi" album: New Test Leper. It starts out "I can't say that I love Jesus. That would be a hollow claim. He did make some observations. And I'm quoting them today. 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.' What a beautiful refrain." At times I feel kind of like that. Some of the lessons of Jesus are wonderful things. Beyond that, I don't know what to think about Jesus. I can find comfort in his teachings. And I feel if he was willing to die for his beliefs, to die for the rest of us, then he deserves my love. Was he the Son of God? I don't know. Have I accepted Jesus as my savior? I'd be lying if I said I did. But I do think of him, and I do find strength in him and his teachings. So I guess the real answer to that question is "kind of."
Why do I still go to mass? Mainly because it is calming. I feel better after mass. I don't like fancy masses. I like simple masses in small congregations. I really like dorm masses at ND. I find myself much less stressed afterwards. I feel calm, I feel good, I feel faith in humanity. And I do feel closer to God, and closer to the people there with me. There's something about ritual and the human mind. This is, I think, probably, at least in part, why there is religion. Ritual seems to be something many of us need. Perhaps it is a weakness. Perhaps not. But the ritual of Catholic mass, in an informal environment, is extraordinarily calming to me. So I guess, basically, that I'm a hypocrite. I participate in rituals that I don't fully believe, because I gain a sense of calm from them. But I guess there's worse things I could do.
So I guess I still consider myself a Catholic because
- I believe in God
- I love Jesus and have kind of accepted him as my savior
- I enjoy Catholic mass
- I was raised Catholic, so it's kind of part of me
Will I ever get confirmed? Unless there are any drastic changes to my belief system any time soon, I'd basically have to lie in order to get confirmed. So unless my beliefs change or there's a good enough reason to lie, I don't see it happening anytime soon. I hear you have to be confirmed to be married in the Catholic church. So if I ever want to get married in the Catholic church, I may have to go through confirmation. But I'd hate to get confirmed without truly believing in the stuff.
Oh, I would like to point out that there were a few parts of the Vigil I did enjoy. The Liturgical Choir, as usual, was awesome. I've always enjoyed listening to them. And I do like the whole spreading the easter light around thing. I think I'm done.